»A Story By HK«
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 Meh, this is a short story, I don't really like it but I'd like some opinions! Ignore my stupid spelling mistakes heh, it was for school and I wrote it in about an hour. -------- Blood trickled down the rusty edged blade, the handle slippery from sweat escaped the grasp of the disgruntled woman. Dazed and still processing what she just did in her head, thoughts of the consequence that may follow and the sorrow she herself would feel. Contemplations of taking her own life suddenly filled her mind, trying to make sense of it all, she went through the scenario that took place. Only when she’d finalised the situation would she make her decision. The car swerved violently, barely missing a car lucky enough to be carrying a sober and alert driver. “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? PULL OVER NOW” screamed the unlucky passenger, her words having as much effect on the drivers decision as a fly on the road. “Do it mate, want us to die?” reasoned the other sober passenger. “FUCK OFF, I’m having fun and no one’s getting hurt” “THAT’S NOT THE POINT, PEOPLE COULD GET HURT, INCLUDING YOU!” added the now hysterical woman. “Oh, didn’t think of that” the man jaggedly pulled over, his insobriety causing him to slowly hit a tree, the crunching sound emitted by the front grate encouraging him to stop. “Well something on the front’s fucked, but at least he stopped” he quickly exited the car, followed by the woman, fearful the drunkard in the drivers seat mite quickly change his mind and reverse back onto the highway. The moonlight reflected strongly off the drenched road, a blue aura emanating off its rough, ugly surface. A curious possum quickly receded up its favourite tree as three giant figures approached loudly, one producing enough noise to scare any animal. “WOO WOO, I’M THE SEX MACHINE STEAM TRAIN” “Shut the fuck up, if the police pull us up and find the crashed car we’re screwed” pointed out the still sober man. The drunkard still had in his grip a bottle of Jack Daniels, his fourth of the night. “PFFFSHH, y-you just ned to let loosh” the drunkard handed him the bottle, the man fighting hard to resist his alcoholic urges. “Gary, touch that bottle and I’ll never see you again” Gary knew this was no empty threat, she never bluffed, especially in a situation such as this one. But this was no normal bottle of Jack Daniels, Kyle had added his ‘special’ mix of alcohol to it to give it that extra bite. “Please Sarah, it’s his birthday, it’s a time of celebration” “YEEEAH, PARTY!” “It’s not the point” argued Sarah “,do you want to get home safely and without the presence of policemen?” “Well… I guess so” Gary unsurely agreed. “THEN DON’T TOUCH IT” “Looshen UP tutsh” stammered the now completely wasted Kyle. “Shut up idiot!” “Come on matesh, she’s gone now, take a ship and she’ll never know” Sarah had gone off into the bushes to satisfy her bladder’s needs. “Listen mate, I can’t drink, you know how I get” whined Gary. “ON MY BIRTHDAY YOU REFUSHE? Shome mate you are” a hint of frustration could clearly be made out in his drunk ravings. “Just a sip mate, but quickly before Sarah gets back” Gary swiped the bottle from the drunkards hand, putting the slobbery bottle tip to his lip. First taking a quick sip, pulling the bottle down into his eyes gaze he smiled. The quick kick he got from that sip was enough to tempt him to more. He frantically began to guzzle the heavenly liquid. Each swig filling his body with a warm buzz, from his finger tips tingly and his toes ecstatic with the buzz, this was what he lived for, this was what made his life worth living at all. After swallowing every last drop of spirit, he stupidly handed the bottle back to the tenacious alcohol guzzler. Maybe he should’ve watched Kyle try and sip from the empty bottle, seeing his anger could’ve prevented so much, but then no preparation could possibly withstand the fury invoked by an empty bottle. Sarah surveyed her squatting area as she urinated her previously consumed beverages. Most noticeable amongst the leaves and rotting wet wood was a rusty hunters knife. Well I guess this is a camping area, she thought. Wonder how long ago this knife was dropped. As she continued to ponder the history of the rusty but respected knife, Gary was feeling the wrath of an angry drunk. But even Sarah knew that once she heard the distinct scream above the quiet chirps of crickets. Quickly pulling up her pants she grabbed the knife. You’re still useful, she thought to the knife. Coming back to where her friends waited, she was witness to the worst result that night’s events could sum up. The glass shard stuck out distinctly among Gary’s new facial features. Kyle stood broodingly above the motionless corpse, was the anger that strong that he’d even forgotten who he was, rekindled Sarah. What followed she could not recall, but anyone watching would be able to describe every menial detail years later, if only there was witnesses so I could know more accurately what happened. All she knew was that rage overcame her and the blade was her rages companion. The stab filled corpse of Kyle was proof enough of what happened. She stumbled dazedly across the road, knife in hand poised at the side of her throat. To think being hit by a car saved me from taking my life but put me into a life of infinite insanity of despair and agony, she thought twenty years later as she looked at the padded walls of her asylum. posted by hungarian kid |
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| in-my-opinion.orgEntertainment & SportsMy own pic, my own art, my short storyA Story By HK |
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 but couldn't you make it shorter? The amount of words makes you lose the point sometimes. I most probably get the idea wrong, but it seems that the story lacks suspense. If it is supposed to be a story of how people can ruin their lives - ok, the last sentence would be enough. It also seems sometimes that a lot of the language is cliches, just putting together phrases that are good but in such a mix look bad. Quote: Each swig filling his body with a warm buzz, from his finger tips tingly and his toes ecstatic with the buzz, this was what he lived for, this was what made his life worth living at all. I like this one. Sorry if I am being too harsh - I am not expert, so don't take me seriously please 
posted by mymla |
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Ha nah, I endorse constructive criticism but I agree that it is a little cliched, I would've made it more detailed if it wasn't for school but I only needed to write so much. Keep it comin people!  posted by hungarian kid |
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Quote: I would've made it more detailed if it wasn't for school but I only needed to write so much Even if you are doing a small peice of writing, or rather especially if, it makes more sense to me to write it as well as you can. I dare say you could do much better with this piece. posted by mymla |
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Heh, that's what alot of people said. But I'm working on something at the moment anyway. posted by hungarian kid |
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 ..it was quite cool, but i do agree, i think you are trying to be to clever with your words when a simple description will be more effective  posted by Crossfade |
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Pfff, description is key aspect to story writing, I do believe in overdescription but when you have such a short story it seems to compact (e.g. something longer would still have detailed descriptions, just not as consistent.) But I appreciate the comments, keep 'em comin'! posted by hungarian kid |
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 I like the descriptions and everything, keep it! =) But for some reason I don't really get the plot, could you explain it some more? 
And oh yeah, I was shocked that you used so much bad language, your teacher allows that in your writing?  posted by nocturnal_anonymous |
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 Thanks! But I can't really explain the story anymore, basicly the guy's a violent drunk and the chick kills him in self defence!
Heh, I've got a very lenient teacher, one of the few people I respect, she's been the best English teacher I've ever had! Her perception of her role as teacher is much like Knns, she gives us topics to debate amongst our selves in the glass but she doesn't give her opionon! posted by hungarian kid |
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 hungarian kid: Thanks! But I can't really explain the story anymore, basicly the guy's a violent drunk and the chick kills him in self defence!
Heh, I've got a very lenient teacher, one of the few people I respect, she's been the best English teacher I've ever had! Her perception of her role as teacher is much like Knns, she gives us topics to debate amongst our selves in the glass but she doesn't give her opionon! Knn would be a good teacher but also very annoying i can see it now Knn)oh im sorry Billy your short story is in breach of obscure sentence structure rule 23003 im afraid it will have to be shredded. Or... Knn)well now just to complicate things because im bored, ill completely reverse my positions on christianity. posted by Kupov |
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 pretty cool. . i'll be excessively commentative.
ok, so am i right? the girl takes off to the bushes. meanwhile gary kills kyle because of "the wrath provoked by an empty bottle...". the girl gets mad, kills kyle. i like the asylum part, and the possum. little details like that, that are not part of the main plot, bring the story to life. the only thing is..i haven't been drunk, but would an empty bottle really provoke murder? the part where she ponders the history of the knife, eh. seemed a bit long and excessive. oh and, you switch point of views/ moods unintentionally. it's kind of subtle, it can be left in there, but here: hungarian kid: Sarah had gone off into the bushes to satisfy her bladder’s needs. mabye its just me, but all of a sudden i go from a bunch of cussing drunks to this sudden bit of humor. it's like, whoa. where did this come from? hungarian kid: as she urinated her previously consumed beverages. kinda like that. it's funny, but it doesn't flow with the story i guess. hungarian kid: The glass shard stuck out distinctly among Gary’s new facial features. i like that...i take it gary's been killed right? short, simple, effective. some sentences are a mite long, like the buzz sentence. hungarian kid: do you want to get home safely and without the presence of policemen?” ok, last one: she wants the drunk guy to stop drinking and she's blowing her top. but she just has to add in this "presence of policemen." if she was mad, she would've said something like "without cops frikking tailing our butts?" or just "cops." presence of policemen sounds a bit too fancy for a woman who's steaming. posted by sangu |
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 Heh, he was onto his fourth bottle of Jack Daniels. If someone can stand up after one bottle, I'd be impressed. I know only a few people who can take that much, and it's frightening how much self-control some people lose at that level. Heh, in real-life he'd of already collapsed after that much, I didn't really write it to be too serious or too realistic. Heh, I like the stupidness of her sentence, I mean it doesn't really seem in character. The whole thing seems a bit excessive really. It's more just me wanting to write the entire thing including the dialogue in my style of writing. Thanks for the comments and the input, heh the humour eh? That's just me again not taking it too seriously. Thanks again for the good comments.
I've been awake for a long time at this current point in time, but I'll write another story next time I'm awake, heh and I'll take it a little more seriously so it's not so shit and all over the place and you can judge it alot easier. posted by hungarian kid |
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heh. 
no prob. its kinda fun for me. posted by sangu |
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The time now is 6 October 2008, 20:31 php B.B. |