»NBA 2005 discussion«

Basketball? No thanks.

I’m not much of a sports fan, although I can occasionally enjoy a football or baseball game, even though it requires a rather large investment in time. But, basketball? I really think basketball is a dumb game.

Now, if you’re one of the millions of basketball fans, kindly reach down and unbunch your undies. If you like basketball, that’s fine. I don’t think less of basketball fans, and I am not trying to dissuade you of your love of the game. I am just taking advantage of my tiny place in the blogosphere to express my thoughts on that game that was, after all, invented in 1891 when James Naismith hung a couple peach baskets in the gym in an effort to get a bunch of lazy jocks to exercise during the cold winter months.

Here are some of the reasons why I don’t much care for basketball or “basket ball” (as it was originally known).

Basketball is heavily populated with genetic outliers.
Basketball is a game for TALL people – very TALL people. People of average height and short people need not apply. Frankly, it is difficult for me to be impressed to see a seven feet tall guy jump in the air and plop the ball in the basket with slightly more effort than it takes me to get a coffee cup from the top shelf in the kitchen cabinet.

Now, I know many of you are probably thinking that all sports, to one extent or another, seek out genetic outliers. So, if the genetic cards you’ve been dealt make you neckless, six a half feet tall, and three hundred pounds, football might be your game. Similarly, if you are very short in stature and weigh in at 90 pounds while holding a radiator in their hands, you might be sought out to be a jockey.

However, it seems different with basketball. If you’re a kid who at 16 or 17 is tickling seven feet tall, I’ll bet you hear virtually every day of your life, “Hey, you must play basketball.” What if the kid thinks basketball is a dumb game? I’ll bet that for kids like that it’s easier just humor everyone and play the damned rather than having to spend your life explaining why it is you’re not a basketball player.

Hell, if somewhere a nine-foot tall guy were to surface, the NBA teams would fight tooth and nail for his services. Then we could just watch this guy reach up and effortlessly drop the ball in the basket. Thrilling. Dumb.

“Dribbling” – Duh.

The original thirteen rules written by James Naismith did not permit a player to move with the ball. The ball could only be advanced by passing it to another player. One day, some smartass (undoubtedly a genetic outlier, taller than everyone else), got the bright idea to pass the ball to himself, thereby permitting him to advance the ball simply by repeatedly tossing it up in the air and catching it.

This self-passing became part of the rules. At a later time, someone had the swell idea that you could move with the ball as long as you did bouncy-ball with it while moving. And, as if this bouncy-ball thing wasn’t dumb enough, someone decided to call it “dribbling.” Dribbling? What a dumb choice of words. What does bouncing a ball on the floor have to do with dribbling? One wonders why it was not called “drooling.” Then again, it could have been worse. The bouncy-ball thing could have been called "barfing" or "farting."

Grown men doing bouncy-ball. Dumb.

I hate the sounds.
Basketball makes bad sounds. To me, the sounds of the bouncy-ball and the sneakers squeaking against the floor are most unpleasant. Oh yeah, don’t forget the horn that blasts at the end of the periods. Who could possibly like that sound? Dumb.

Foul shots.
These are really dumb. When someone commits a foul, the game stops while the genetic outlier stands directly in front of the basket and tosses it in most times. But, before he tosses it in, we are treated to a little more bouncy-ball. This leads me to wonder why these highly paid, very tall people ever miss, and why they have to do the bouncy-ball thing before the toss it into the basket? Dumb.

Basketball (particularly professional basketball) is a haven for felons of all descriptions.
Now I know that basketball does not have a monopoly on its participants being criminals. But it sure seems like basketball leads the way in this department. Don’t these guys know that if they were not basketball players, they would be largely unemployable? Dumb.