»A Poem«
|
|||
 I wrote this a couple years ago, but I still kinda like it. It's like a nursery rhyme. So, tell me, is this a good way of laying it out? Or should I make a new line for every phrase? (currently I have two phrases for each line). Oh. And what should I title it? Sitting by the window sill, the little girl sighed: “I want to catch a falling star! I’ve tried and tried and tried, But it seems that in a land too far is where the stars abide.” She thought about her falling star as she lay in bed, And soon nice dreams of lands afar were dancing in her head— Dreams of life without a scar and where no tears were shed. She danced upon a moonbeam, in that perfect land afar, And in that beautiful dream, she caught a falling star. In the pocket of her nightdress, she placed it for safe-keeping. It sparkled in her soft caress, and then she woke from sleeping. She wondered if it had been only a passing dream, And was starting to be tearful, when she noticed a white gleam. There lay the lovely star, that she herself had caught. She’d thought that it had been a dream, but clearly it had not! Overall, I think it's cute. But it needs a lot of work in some areas. It loses rhythmn and reads awkwardly in some areas. posted by Nianza |
|||
|
|||
| in-my-opinion.orgEntertainment & SportsMy own pic, my own art, my short storyA Poem |
|
|||
 nice job nianza. i think its good, but yeah, some parts are a bit awkward. its hard to find words to rhyme. posted by sangu |
|||
|
|||
|
|||
|
You had a good idea, but some parts need changes. It loses rhythmn, and it's coherence but besides it's just nice  posted by asartana |
|||
|
|||
|
|||
|
[quote="asartana"]You had a good idea, but some parts need changes. It loses rhythmn, and it's coherence but besides it's just nice dam u suck loserr    haha
posted by jackie |
|||
|
|||
|
|||
 [quote="jackie"] asartana: You had a good idea, but some parts need changes. It loses rhythmn, and it's coherence but besides it's just nice dam u suck loserr hahawell that's mean I thought it was good but a few lines need some rewriting it could be a good poem though with a few more drafts. posted by Kupov |
|||
|
|||
|
|||
|
well I meant that I liked the poem but some parts need improvements, that's all posted by asartana |
|||
|
|||
|
|||
|
asartana: well I meant that I liked the poem but some parts need improvements, that's all no sorry I was replieing to jackie who said you suck loser. posted by Kupov |
|||
|
|||
|
|||
|
"Caught" and "not" don't rhyme - it's a slant-rhyme at best. Rhythm too, it's critical for a poem to sound good no matter how good the content is, and if it's noticeable then all the more. (If you're not doing metre, big deal, if it's "close" it sounds much worse.) I actually have a big problem with some of the lines in Kubla Khan for that reason. As for content: You build up descriptions and the twist/punchline/dénouement is far too short, IMHO. You need to try and expand it, or even better - condense the first part of the poem about the dream and its descriptions. If you can cut down two lines - you're a master. I know it's hard to usually do that - as if the lines are your babies - but sometimes you've got to be Aztec and sacrifice stuff you treated so kindly. Very cute, has high potential! Way to go! posted by Jonathan Howard |
|||
|
|||
|
|||
 Jonathan Howard: I know it's hard to usually do that - as if the lines are your babies - but sometimes you've got to be Aztec and sacrifice stuff you treated so kindly.  I like the comparison. And I know exactly what you mean...
Very cute poem, it made me feel so nice and cuddly inside... some areas need work though, like rhythm and structure. I personally think that if you cut it down to 2 lines per rhyme, it would flow better... but maybe it's just your style. Good job.
posted by nocturnal_anonymous |
|||
|
|||
|
|||
 She can't use the internet anymore...I'll tell her. posted by sangu |
|||
|
|||
 Register Log in |
The time now is 22 August 2008, 04:19 php B.B. |