»A Pseudo-Poem«
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 I wrote this the other night for a friend who sent me a poem and writes em reguarly and gets them to her alot. I'm not a poem writer, it's not my style of writing, I don't like this piece either, but as a writer I still wanted to see what I was capable of, so in about 5 minutes I conjured up this (please be as critical as you want about my structuring, use of words etc.) oh and I don't rhyme - Twisted wheels Keep on turning With the deformed feeling One unnamed But forever fealt Wheels keep turning Fire errupts Ice embraced Jealousy your only friend Loneliness your enemy Scars created By the Ice Lives hated By the Fire The deformity covers you You cannot escape its stare Tears blind But still it stares The deformity leaves New emotions contradict the old But the deformity returns On a twisted wheel posted by hungarian kid |
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| in-my-opinion.orgEntertainment & SportsMy own pic, my own art, my short storyA Pseudo-Poem |
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 Other than some spelling I don't see anything wrong with it.. 
I think you need to keep the abruptness of the poem in every line. Like, instead of "With the deformed feeling" it could be "with a deformed feeling".. and "But still it stares" could be "still it stares".. leave the buts out of the beginnings.. if you want the poem to land on the reader with every line, then you have to make each line more powerful in it's abruptness.. Critiquing these modern poem thangs isn't something I'm really good at, sorry.. posted by ryder |
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 Hah it's nice to finally see someone critique something creative I did on this site... When I get a microphone, I might upload some stuff I've written on guitar, it'd be great to hear your criticism on that. posted by hungarian kid |
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Punctuation, rhythm, line structure, coherence, bottom line, condensation. All those need to be revised before it can enter the definition of "poetry". Don't give up! posted by Jonathan Howard |
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The time now is 22 August 2008, 04:22 php B.B. |