»Native to your country«

Haggis "is typically served on Burns Night, January 25, when Scotland celebrates the birth of its greatest poet, Robert Burns, who was born in Ayrshire on that date in 1759. During the celebration, Burns poems are read, and the haggis is addressed by a member of the party, ceremonially, in the form of verses from Burns' poem, 'Address to a Haggis.' A typical meal for Burns Night would include Cock-a-Leekie, Haggis with Tatties-an'-Neeps, Roastit Beef, Tipsy Laird, and Dunlop Cheese."

Oh, and did I mention that whisky is also served?

The only trouble is traditional versions of the dish are banned and importing meat from Scotland is virtually impossible because of the tortuous process of winning approval from the US Food and Drugs Administration.

The hawk-eyed FDA deems lung - a common ingredient in haggis - to be unfit for human consumption, a ruling thought to date back to the 1930s when there were unsubstantiated fears about the spread of tuberculosis.

Scots like to tell visitors the haggis is a small native animal that has adapted to Scotland's steep hills by growing legs shorter on one side.

I sat in the solitude of my bedroom, when the idea came to me - radioactivity! Haggis are radioactive! A new theory! It fits! Why do haggis thrive in Scotland? Because the parts of Scotland haggis thrive best are the Highlands, and what kind of rock is prevalent there? Granite - which has a long half-life. Do haggis need radiation to thrive? Do they actually feed on radiation? Are they in fact not native to this planet after all, but perhaps some pets from a UFO which landed hundreds if not thousands of years ago, and escaped? Yes! A new theory, and one which is beginning to make sense, and to explain much about this fascinating animal.

All I can say for the moment is I am engaged in some ground-breaking research, once more venturing into the hills, and the results of this will be published first here on this website! Fame and fortune (and the babes) will yet be mine ... keep coming back for more ... sooner or later I will crack the riddle of the haggis.