»My Own Poetry«

One of my personal favourites - "Night's Bliss". I just edited it a bit for occasional alliteration (don't like assonance - three iambs in one line sounding the same horrify me, I like verse & vowel variety).

A sky of scarlet: trees there – it to hide,
Where winds of might blow round me all the night;
This is the nature in which I reside –
The natural feeling gives me most delight.
To stand behind a window and to feel
The winds of joy blow through a frame of bliss
Is more that one believes today is real,
Just lis’ning to the wind’s most silent kiss.
One cannot try to state the pleasure nightly
Felt by those whose deep sense of awe is there,
When you are bound to nature and so tightly
With your eyes at silent night you stare.
While friends of mine don’t see the nightly world
Of tender, calm sensations; idle acts;
My motions and emotions are all swirled,
And mystify the world, obscuring facts –
Then I can see the worth of life, its sake,
The actuál euphoria and joy:
Conventionalities, watching them break,
As if the horse had never entered Troy.
You are united with yourself once more,
When sensing chill of winds rise up your back,
You know, though, that in this state there’s no gore,
For harmony you'll have and will not lack.
Remember that the night’s a home for this,
And day will make this vanquish down to nought;
Remember now the wind’s soft, subtle hiss,
And let your idle dreams come from this thought.

Ideas, suggestions, opinions? I'll post more of my stuff later on.

posted by Jonathan Howard

Religion is a form of magic which converts unanswerable questions into unquestionable answers.

in-my-opinion.org -> Entertainment & Sports -> My own pic, my own art, my short story -> My Own Poetry

I like it very much! Such a sweet, soft and yet exciting feeling... Thumb Up

posted by nocturnal_anonymous

aww i really like it Thumb Up

very romantic...i wouldnt change a thing...its poetry! and yeah keep putting stuff up

posted by gkiss

OK... Thanks! Smile

Actually, I barely revised this poem in the first place - maybe I just had good muse (yeah, how many mused poems can one get?) and a good topic.

Okay, this one is a much older poem (almost a year old, "Night's Bliss" is more recent - but this one's third and last verse was added on quite a but later). Entitiled "The Hunting Tide".

As the young hunter then brings home
The evening’s meal raw,
And as the moon shines silvery-chrome,
He rips it with his claw;
This is the tide of strength and pride,
As hunters seek you out,
Discreetly you must try to hide,
For death is still in doubt.

As those young hunters wish you meat,
You know the end is near –
For you’ll no longer be discreet,
A sound you make – they hear;
You cannot run, nor can you hide,
Round corners dangers lurk:
There is nobody on your side,
As you hide in the murk.

As time then moves and tide then ﬂows,
You ﬂee; you know your foe,
Right then you hear the sound of crows –
You look down and you know:
So green’s the lawn in lights of dawn
As clouds and sun appear,
Your foes then charge, loud sounds the horn –
And round you they draw near.

I know that anything which is "<verb> you out" is a cliché, but I never saw "seek you out" in the past, and thought it's an interesting coinage.

Also, I know that "This is the tide of strength and pride" is well-inspired from Kipling's ine in the first line of the Jungle Book ("This is the hour of pride and power") - but isn't inspiration important?

posted by Jonathan Howard

Jonathan Howard:

As those young hunters wish you meat,

Is there a parallel meaning to 'meat'? What does it mean, I'm a little confused..

This poem was pretty good, but I think the 'Night's Bliss' was better.

I can't specifically point out any flaws in this one, but it just doesn't have as much "umph!" or feeling to it as the other one did.

I guess this is a good thing... you've improved. Smile

posted by nocturnal_anonymous

"NO CAPES!"

Well, as "flesh" is living and "meat" is dead it's implying that the hunters wish you to be meat. A little twisted but still, I reckon, OK.

Umph is impossible to do through technique, unless you're really good - I reckon it comes best with muse.

posted by Jonathan Howard

For Night Bliss:
I've always read poems and there are a few abstract bits that leave me, "huh?" But this time I can actually ask the poet! So:

Jonathan Howard:

As if the horse had never entered Troy

I liked that part, it was unexpected, but what does it mean? Why is it a conventionality?

There were certain parts that sort of broke the whole dreamy, milky flow you had going...to me at least, it was awkward

Jonathan Howard:

You know, though, that in this state there’s no gore

Jonathan Howard:

One cannot try to state the pleasure nightly

Also,

Jonathan Howard:

A sky of scarlet: trees there – it to hide,

It=sky, right?

Jonathan Howard:

For harmony you'll have and will not lack

I liked that Thumb Up

posted by sangu

"As if the horse had never entered Troy" is a breaking of a conventionality because [as the writer assumes] the fact that the horse entered Troy leading to the city's destruction is a conventional belief - whether mythical or not.

I don't know why you feel that those two lines break the milkiness of the poem, but think of it as a variety, as a "breaking of conventionality"... Razz

"It" does refer to the sky, aye. I tried to make the punctuation show it. I hope that worked out well, at least. Smile

Jonathan

posted by Jonathan Howard

Jonathan Howard:

Umph is impossible to do through technique, unless you're really good - I reckon it comes best with muse.

Ahh, well, I suppose I was expecting a little too much, I was thinking of Shakespeare when you said iambic pentameter. White laugh

posted by nocturnal_anonymous

Ok, cool. thank you very much. That was interesting.

posted by sangu

WTF girls? I have posted at least two original poetry threads on this site, and never got a single response from anyone, including noc_anon and sangu. You girls are having a whole workshop for this new user and you never even gave me a Thumb Up

on these threads::
IMO → "Hymn to Oedipus" by sleuthslayer
IMO → A Little Night-Musician
LOL, is it really that bad?

posted by MindSlave

"Rasta don't work for no CIA..."
-Bob Marley

65mya.com

Well, I'm sorry that I'm so charismatic! Wink

posted by Jonathan Howard

Poetry is short, simple.

posted by sangu

Well I at first had no frikking clue who oedipus was, but now I know.
Um...well I guess JH's poem was...first off, he used "you" a lot, so it does draw the reader in. Simpler to understand, the whole poem is simple and revolves around the same subject. I think. Whereas little night musician, I grasped bits and pieces. It's not bad...we just don't really know what to say. For me at least.

posted by sangu

No Girlfriend

sangu:

Poetry is short, simple.

Oh reeealy ?

en.wikipedia.org…

The Divine Comedy is composed of three canticas (or "cantiche"), Inferno (Hell), Purgatorio (Purgatory), and Paradiso (Paradise), composed respectively of 34, 33, and 33 cantos. The first canto of Inferno serves as an introduction to the entire Divine Comedy, making each of the canticas 33 cantos long. The number 3 is prominent in the work, represented here by the length of each cantica. Also, that they add up to 100 cantos is not accidental. The verse scheme used, terza rima, is the hendecasyllable (line of eleven syllables), with the lines composing tercets according to the rhyme scheme ABA BCB CDC . . . YZY Z.

sangu:

Well gosh sangu, at the the very least you could post your criticism of my poem in my thread instead of posting it under Jonathan's poetry! US prisoner

LOL, see this is why I don't have a girlfriend, everything I've ever tried to write or express verbally has come out dark and disturbed! White laugh

[CLICK HERE TO VIEW THIS PICTURE]

posted by MindSlave

Goto page
1, 2 Next

The time now is 13 October 2008, 06:25
php B.B.