»"Forever" - a poem«
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 A tumult of joy in every parent's heart When their child is born Such a beautiful creation of nature Will live forever But the life becomes harder As the child is but one This beautiful creation Which is to live forever Wakes up at all sorts of times In the night, early morning What a responsibility - This wonderful child That must live forever The work continues The parents' wonder When will this wonderful child Blossom into the fruit of their work? Then the child says, "Mama" Its first word - Mother Oh this child will be A gift of god to this world Our little Angel It begins to walk The parents' joy knows no bounds The child then goes to school And learns all there is to know about life "What a prodigy! He must be a pathfinder!" Then the child grows up And moves away - farther and farther "He must be an Engineer!" "No, a Doctor!" But no one asks him about this Everything is thrust upon him He is taught everything but How to live by himself He becomes a storehouse Of Knowledge And the parents beam with pride "Look at our little bundle of joy - He has become a Man!" Everyone thinks he is a great One But what does he think? Then one day He suddenly sees an Angel With such lustrous eyes Liquid and deep A nose so beautiful that it Could be no more so Lips like a lotus Such a radiant skin This Angel of beauty Must be mine The child, mad with vice, Possesses her The little bundle of joy Who has become A Man Her life destroyed By the one who Is joy to everyone Nothing more to do Why does this happen to me? I must go away To the land beyond Of which no one knows Soon they find her On her bed, her lips blue He sees her, his Angel Those lustrous eyes that now Do not see That beautiful nose Without life-giving breath Those lotus lips No longer fiery-red The skin - pale His Angel whom he hath destroyed When he was mad with vice What have I done? Have I destroyed God's Angel? My saviour from This wretched life of mine I, the one who Is joy to everyone Have an Angel's blood On my hands I must be stopped Oh why, Creator, oh why Did you make me thus? The child, distraught With grief The One who does not know How to live life Takes his own And rids the world - of himself The parents confused Our Angel, our precious jewel Oh what have you done! Oh why oh why Why must you give us pain We brought you into this world Why must you go away? If this is life, why Must we live it For what purpose Oh sweet child, Heavenly child Who would have lived forever Why did you go? posted by ryder |
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| in-my-opinion.orgEntertainment & SportsMy own pic, my own art, my short story"Forever" - a poem |
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I must add.. I wrote this poem in ninth grade, a short while after I saw posted by ryder |
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 That is not a crappy poem. I thought it was incredibly well done. The way you switch from the parents' adulation of the child to his internal anguish and remorse for his crime was very unique and I loved it. The emphasis on the physical beauty of the victim reminded me of a poem by Robert Browning, "Porphyria's Lover."  Quite a production; you should be proud of yourself for being brave enough to write and post something so chilling. And as a ninth-grader, wow! You have made my Halloween, and now I have more respect for you as a writer than ever. Bravo! 
posted by MindSlave |
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 Wow, that is a very touching and eerie poem... it really does suit the Halloween mood. I give you full points!  posted by nocturnal_anonymous |
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 It's a fine poem, it's very good, with a lot to learn from. Call me a conservative, but I think that you should work on a bit of proofing first (I saw an inapropriate apostrophe at one point - mere nitpicks around); that's no real issue. Also, punctuation can help. Try to condense the poem, it's very long (in lines), and the lines are very short. While short-written lines are nice, with such a long poem try to build it more horizontally. You also get hung on mny thoughts that are expressed through many adjectives. I think that if you want it to sound stronger, condense meaning as much as possible and compress the poem (you're not confined by rhyme or even metrical structure here). Maximum meaning, minimal wording; look at Heaney's "Punishment", for instance - very compressed, very good. Too many short lines that dpread out a thought can be compressed into less but no-less-legible longer lines that are primarily marked through nouns and verbs - stronger types of speech. Also, I got the hint that the boy took a girl, raped her, then set her on her bed. If this is true - why would he put her back in her bed and how was he undetected? If false, try to think of your wording and why this implication might arise. If it's meant to be open to interpretations, then congratulations! Good poem, very good poem. But there's always something to be done and improve. Again, I'm just a heavy critic - don't take me too seriously or heavily: it's not as if any of my poetry's up to my own ideal standards. Post more of your stuff; at least this poem is very pleasurable to read, I assume the rest too. posted by Jonathan Howard |
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The time now is 6 October 2008, 18:56 php B.B. |